Alice finds herself all on a secluded camp ground late at night. Outside are the dead bodies of all the other camp counselors and the killer who killed them, lurking somewhere in the dark forest under the full moon.

But at least Alice is safe locked in the cabin. Suddenly the corpse of her co-worker Brenda comes flying through the window which means the killer is right outside and can now get in through the smashed window. All she can do is guard the window with a sharp object.

But from the distance she sees the headlights of a jeep driving into the campground. It must be Steve, the owner of the camp finally returning. Little does she know Steve is dead. She runs out to greet him, only to find an all American soccer mom coming out of the jeep.

“Who are you?” she asks

“…an old friend of the Christies”

If Alice looks like the girl next door, this lady looks like the lady next door. She’s the kind of lady every middle class kid in American has known their whole life. She might have been your teacher, or your mom, or your best friend’s mom.

The actress who played her was Betsy Palmer. Palmer was a fixture on daytime TV during the wholesome days of the 1950s, much like June Cleaver. My grandmother used to watcher on the game show I’ve got a secret.

On the most terrifying night of her life, it feels so good to see a face she can trust, the all American soccer mom, the girl scout leader, the lady down the street, here to rescue Alice from camp blood & drive her to safety with her jeep. Alice gives her a big hug as if reuniting with her own mother.

Making matters even better, she’s a strong strapping woman who can protect Alice from whoever is killing everyone. The ultimate girl scout leader. She worked at the camp in her youth and knows the place inside out.

As a kid I remember being so relieved when Palmer took over. She exuded leadership and competence. All I knew about the F13 movies at the time was that the reason Jason killed people was because the camp killed his mother. But why did the camp kill his mother I asked by British Pakistani babysitter one day. Because his mother was a witch who killed people, she said.

I probably took the term “witch” a little too literally and was looking forward to Palmer and Alice heading into the woods like Hansel and Gretel to find the witch’s cabin.

But instead the film took a very different turn which I so stupidly didn’t see coming, despite having had the huge advantage of knowing the killer was a woman. But I was only nine.

The sheer genius of this film is it had the goriest most graphic most spooky killings we had ever seen (axe to the face, arrow through the mattress from someone hiding under the bed) being performed by the most wholesome person we had ever seen cast as a killer (Palmer).

My favorite part was when she said “Oh I could never let them open this place again, could I?” almost asking Alice to talk her out of her killing spree.

But perhaps the scariest moment is when Palmer pulls out her hunting knife and charges Alice while screaming “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

Part of what makes this so scary is how insane she is. She is killing people for the drowning of her son, even though those people were not even born at the time. And the way she slips from competent and coherent to batshit crazy is so spooky. Is this schizophrenia do you think? Or early onset Alzheimer’s? I wish the character had taken the WAIS.

One may ask how someone as respectable as Palmer got cast in such a gruesome low budget horror film. Her Mercedes broke down and she needed $10 K to get a new car.

“Universe find me $10,000” dollars she remembered saying. I wonder if she’s an Oprah fan because Oprah is always preaching to put thoughts into the universe though Oprah was not famous until several years later, but maybe how she much later described the story was influenced by Oprah-speak.

Either way, she was soon offered a part which paid $1000 day for 10 days work.

There’s just one catch. It’s a horror film.

“Oh no,” said Palmer. “Well send me the script.”

“What a piece of shit!” she recalled saying after reading it. “This will come and this will go. No one will see it”

Little did she know it would become the influential horror film of the last 50 years, though the role of Palmer herself has been largely forgotten, eclipsed by the iconic hockey masked Jason.

But that’s why I love the film so much. Everyone knows about Jason but so few know how it all began and the brilliant role Palmer played in its genesis. The film is the ultimate hidden gem.

At first Palmer was embarrassed to be associated with such a cheap gory film but over time she came to embrace her iconic status as Queen of the Slashers. Sometimes while shopping in the store she would hear mysterious customers behind her whispering the film’s terrifying sound track:

Ha ha ha

Chu Chu Chu

Betsy Palmer: 1926 to 2015

RIP America’s sweetheart turned Queen of the Slashers

For most of the movie camp owner Steve Christie has been out on the town drinking coffee. Little does he know that while he was gone, several of the camp councilors he hired had been brutally murdered and that he’s about to meet the same fate. When the rain stops, he runs back to the camp in pitch blackness, only to be confronted by someone shining a bright white light in his face.

“Oh hi,” he says, recognizing the person. “What are you doing out in this mess?” (referring to the storm that juste ended)

The killer stabs him in the stomach with a machete as if to say “I’m killing you, that’s what I’m doing out in this mess”

Meanwhile the only survivors are Bill and Alice. Alice is getting scared because they can’t find any of the other counselors and even found a blood soaked axe in someone’s bed, but Bill convinces her that everything is probably fine.

Still, they try to leave the camp but the vehicle wont start. They try to phone for help but the phone line has been cut. Finally the power goes out and Alice gets some rest as Bill heads to the emergency generator to fix it.

Alice wakes up and decides to make some instant coffee and then goes looking for Bill.

To her utter horror, she finds his corpse pinned to a wall, with an arrows stabbing him in the eye, stomach and private parts.

It is interesting that a film about white people doing stereotypical white things (camping) would have a white killer killing with a bow and arrow (the white man’s first display of dominance over other races). There is an argument that the bow and arrow was invented in Africa long before modern humans split into other races but I don’t buy it and one of the reasons I don’t buy it is that if the bow and arrow was created by such an early ancestor, they’re descendants in Australia would have had it and their descendants in Native America would have had it sooner.

After discovering Bill’s corpse, a terrified Alice runs screaming back to the main cabin, realizing she is now all alone in the big dark camp in the middle of nowhere, with no one to protect her.

Today is June 13th (the same day as the film takes place).

Camp counselors Jack and Marcie are making love in a cabin during a rain storm

Lightening flashes and we see that in the bunk bed above their own, Ned is now dead:

Meanwhile Marcie has to pee so she leaves Jack alone in the lower bunk as she flees into the rainstorm clad only in a shirt and underwear, in search of a washroom. As Jack lights a cigarette a drop of blood from Ned’s corpse falls on his head. Before he has a chance to get up and investigate, the killer (who was under the bed the whole time Jack and Marcie were making love) panics and stabs him with an arrow from under the bed. Perhaps the most creative death scene in the history of horror:

Meanwhile Marcie is still peeing so the killer crawls out from under the bed towards the washrooms. Marcie hears someone has entered the washroom but when she can’t find anyone in either change room, she convinces herself “must be my imagination”.

But as soon as she says that we see the shadow of a huge axe rising on the wall behind her. She turns around and screams as the axe come flying into her face.

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In my last article I discussed how crazy Ralph tried to warn Annie not to go to camp blood. She ignored his warning and was immediately killed.

Now a police officer is visiting “Camp Blood” to see if Ralph has been harassing them too. The police sees camp councilor Ned Rubenstein goofing off by pretending to be a Native American and he’s having none of it. This scene is wildly politically incorrect by today’s standards and the film gets no woke point for featuring a Jewish character in the main cast in 1980 because Jews were by then already doing well (though not nearly as well as today). One of the tropes of 80s slasher films is the practical joker and that trope appears to have started with Ned.

One of the counselors is played by Kevin Bacon who gives a lame line about not smoking because it causes cancer. The councilors inform the cop they have not seen Crazy Ralph and he leaves them alone.

One of these practical jokes is pretending to drown so that a hot girl will give him mouth to mouth. Through POV shots we see the killer is watching from within the forest and is not amused. Actor Kevin Bacon would admit to Howard Stern that he put something in his speedo to appear more endowed in this scene.

A little later, counselor Alice discovers Ralph hiding in the pantry.

In my last article I discussed the opening scene where an unlucky pair of camp councillors were murdered on Friday, June 13th 1958.

In the next scene we fast forward to Friday June 13th, 1980.

It was a common trope for 1980s slashers to be divided into a past event, where an unspeakable event occurred, and then the present day (which somehow commemorates that evil event, often because it’s the same calendar day). This started with Halloween (1978) which like Friday the 13th (1980), opens with a murder on the same day many years before the day when the bulk of the film occurs.

In this film, the present day starts with an adorable girl next door type named Annie entering a diner to find out how far she is from Camp Crystal Lake.

Even 22 years after the brutal murders, the camp is still considered off-limits but a truck driver who is heading in that direction anyway agrees to drive her half way. If you look closely, you can see the only black or Afromultiracial person in the entire movie (he is holding a broom and standing silently, looking at Annie, as the clerk talks to her). Amazing how little diversity there was in slasher films as recently as the 1980s. Oprah would not smash the color barrier in U.S. media until 1986. These films serve as a time capsule of a bygone era.

As the truck driver takes Annie to his truck, she is confronted by the town crazy, an old man named Ralph who warns her she will never return from Camp blood. The warner is another trope of the 1980s slasher film, also originating with Halloween (1978) (the Donald Pleasence character), though Friday the 13th‘s crazy Ralph became the much more common prototype.

Although the truck driver tells Ralph to get lost, once they are on the road it becomes apparent he agrees with him and advises Annie to quit her job as camp cook. Like the day Friday the 13th itself, the camp seems cursed with bad luck. A couple murdered in 1958, a boy drowning in 1957, bad water in 1962, bunch of fires, and nobody knows who did any of it.

When the truck driver drops her off, Annie has to hitchhike the rest of the way to the camp. When a jeep pulls over to pick her up, she looks so happy and excited as she throws her stuff into the back of the vehicle and hops into the passenger seat.

But something is off. Annie keeps talking about how excited she is to be starting her dream job as camp cook but the driver is silent. The next red flag is when the driver zooms past the exit to get to Camp Crystal lake. When Annie tries to complain, the jeep just drives faster and faster forcing a terrified Annie to jump out and runs into the forest.

But we see the driver’s legs, clad in black pants and black shoes rushing after her. When Annie runs straight ahead, the driver runs left or right, so Annie can no longer see her stalker. She relaxes by a tree, only to see the driver suddenly looming over her, wearing a plaid lumber jack shirt and holding a huge knife.

Some say the film was paying homage to Marianne Crane in Hitchcock’s Psycho in that an attractive young lady is set-up to be the heroine, only to be killed off early.

Friday the 13th (1980) is arguably the best horror film ever made. Although many would consider Halloween (1978) to be the better film, and in many ways it is, every time I watch it I can’t help but think of all the things I would have done differently if I had made it. With Friday the 13th (1980) there’s no room for improvement. It’s pure perfection from the opening shot.

And that opening shot is of the Paramount logo (a mountain) because that’s the company that won distribution rights, but immediately you know you’re watching a Friday the 13th film from the ominous whisper:

Ha Ha Ha

Chew Chew Chew

No that’s not someone sneezing. That’s the film’s demented sound track and are cue that the killer is approaching.

The film begins with a shot of the full moon and the sounds of nature (crickets, birds, frogs) and as the camera pans down, we see we’re at a Camp Crystal Lake in 1958. The sound of campfire songs in the distance.

Soon the camera places us in the POV of a mysterious stalker entering one of the cabins. Every detail meticulously captures the 1950s summer camp experience, from the crossed arrows above word “FOX” on the cabin door, to the abandoned checkers game on the table as the children sleep, not knowing they are being watched by a stalker from whose POV we’ve been placed.

Chew Chew Chew.

Ha Ha Ha.

Meanwhile in another cabin, the camp councilors are singing Down in the Valley, with two of them gazing in each other’s eyes as they seem to sing only to each other.

The two love birds decide to discretely sneak off and find an empty cabin to fool around in upstairs. With their Christian blond blue eyed boy and girl next door look, they perfectly epitomize the 1950s middle American ethos that so many conservatives are nostalgic for.

As the couple makes out, the camera slowly creeps up the stairs from the stalker’s POV:

Chew Chew Chew.

Ha Ha Ha.

“Someone’s there”, the girl says in a panic.

“We weren’t doing anything,” the boy says unconvincingly.

POW! He falls to the floor with blood gushing from his stomach and mouth.

Realizing her boyfriend has just been killed, the girl screams and runs back and forth, like a cornered rat. As we get closer to her from the killer’s POV, all she can do is throw empty card board boxes. Finally, she throws her arms up and screams and the shot is frozen in that iconic image that tells everyone they’re watching a Friday the 13th movie.

Suddenly the title FRIDAY THE 13TH bursts into the screen as if crashing through shattered glass!

This is horror filmmaking at its best.

This is a documentary Lion of the Blogosphere would enjoy. Released in 2015, HBO’s Class Divide tells the story of extreme gentrification in Manhattan’s Upper East side. More specifically, on one side of the street you have housing projects where people live in poverty, and on the other side you have one of the most exclusive private schools in the World, where children of Hedge Fund decamillionaires learn to speak Chinese.

The kids in the housing project are living in an island of low IQ poverty surrounded by the high IQ super rich. Some of the apartment buildings surrounding them are so luxurious they have swimming pools in each individual unit and elevators that lift your car all the way up to your floor!

When the elite private school was built, part of the agreement was that scholarships would be provided for some of the kids in the housing project but as of the documentary’s completion, none were attending. It’s easy to blame the elite school but not everyone has the genetic ability to do calculus. Jensen observed that minorities and lower class kids (like our very own Pill) are every bit as smart as upper class kids when it comes to Level 1 ability (rote learning, school yard interactions) so teachers can’t understand why so many score in the mentally retarded range on IQ tests. Even Jensen himself thought the tests were culturally biased, until he saw these kids try level 2 tasks (abstract reasoning). Only then did their retardation show and it was 100% genetic.

The term “six hour retardate” became wildly popular in the 1970s to describe kids who seemed perfectly normal, except for the 6 hours a day they learned abstract topics in school.

In the documentary there’s a little girl from the housing project who dreams of attending the elite school. Her hero is Beyonce. Sadly she does not get accepted. Kids who admire Beyonce don’t qualify for schools like that:

The stark inequality is bad for the poor kids’ self-esteem but some of the more sensitive rich kids seem even more damaged. The film features a rich boy who went up an elevator with a black woman and her two toddlers. One of the toddlers notes that the boy is going to the 49th floor (where the super rich live) while they’re going to the 14th floor (where poverty lives). The rich boy is so worried that the mother thinks that he thinks he is superior that he is rendered speechless. Sadly, the rich boy kills himself before the documentary is complete for reasons no one understands.

You can watch the full documentary for free here.

After 19 years, Ellen is hanging up the microphone. Just as Oprah had helped end racism by becoming the black best friend to millions of white suburban soccer moms, Ellen has helped end homophobia by becoming their gay best friend. Both women would rank among the World’s most admired people and by given the Medal of Freedom by President Obama.

But sadly, with the advent of social media, jealous losers started to tear Ellen down with stories of how mean she supposedly is behind the scenes (which only made me like her more). Celebrities also began to complain about how mean Ellen was to them. The snowflake generation was especially offended when Ellen coerced Maria Carey into revealing she was pregnant by offering her whine on TV. When her staff began to complain that she was mean to them too and when a sexual harassment scandal involving her producer broke into the spotlight, the powers that be decided it would be Ellen’s final season.

But she had a great run, and daytime TV is a dying medium anyway. Back in 1992, Oprah had 9 million daily viewers in just America alone (one in 20 U.S. adults) giving her God-like power over the culture, but today, with competition from hundreds of cable channels, streaming and social media, the highest rated day-time talk shows are watched by only 2 million American (one in 109 U.S. adults). There are kids on tik tok that sometimes get more viewers. Ellen is smart to jump off that sinking ship while she still has some culture cred left.

Ever since covid, Oprah has refused to leave her six mansions (especially not her $100 million home in Santa Barbara or her 100 acre pad in Maui) but last year she told Ellen she would make a rare exception for Ellen’s final season. But when negative publicity was making Ellen’s brand toxic, would Oprah break her promise?

HELL NO! She would be there in the flesh to support her friend! Having the World’s most influential woman making a rare appearance to celebrate Ellen’s final week meant that Ellen would go out on top!

When Ellen announced her next guest was Oprah, the studio audience full of beautiful suburban white women absolutely lost it. They were screaming and crying for three minutes straight as Oprah, whose sky blue shirt complemented her gorgeous black skin walked onto the stage. When the crowd finally subdued, Oprah told Ellen to enjoy these glory days, because there will never ever, ever again be a time like this.

Time magazine just released their list of the 100 most influential people on the planet and once again, Oprah has made the list. Being listed as one of the 100 most influential by the ultimate cultural authority is such a huge honor that if you make the list even once, it goes in the first paragraph of your wikipedia, but Oprah has made it an astonishing 11 times.

When Oprah first started in the 1970s, it was a huge disadvantage to be black but she’s managed to dominate the culture so long that being black is now almost an advantage in life as corporations like Time compete to show their wokeness. Intelligence is the ability to adapt to even hostile environments, and when you adapt long enough, you live to see those environments become friendly.

But far too brilliant to leave anything to chance, Oprah learned very quickly who has power and how to get on their good side. When Stephen Spielberg was on the cover of Time magazine circa 1985, Oprah was reading it.

“Put that stuff away,” he snapped at her.

“STUFF?” yelled Oprah, “STUFF? STUFF? STUFF?. This isn’t STUFF!!! This is TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!” she shrieked, “this isn’t STUFF?…This is Time’o’la! This is the print World’s Coca-cola!”

“I don’t read the good stuff,” said Spielberg, “so I don’t have to believe the bad”.

Time magazine may have heard about this famous exchange between the two show business heavyweights, and may help explain why she’s been honored by the magazine more frequently than any other woman, and rightfully so.

When Oprah first started in media, we were living under WASP rule so Oprah would cleverly suck-up to people like Johnny Carson.

However after doing a show on Satanic worship, Oprah found herself in BIG BIG trouble.

The show accidentally promoted the age-old antisemitic stereotype that Jews were Satanists to millions and millions of viewers. Despite the fact that she was the #1 talk show on TV, it looked like she was going to be taken off the air as Jewish groups were demanding she be cancelled.

Fortunately Oprah was able to adapt by figuring out which of the angry Jews had the most power and negotiating a compromise in which Oprah would release a statement admitting her show may have caused harm. Oprah was so grateful to this one powerful Jewish man who saved her show, that when he died, Oprah attended his funeral.

“What is she doing here?” the other Jews wondered.

“He did me a favour once” said Oprah, sensing their curiosity.

“What was the favour?”

“I’m not saying”

Another smart move. Why remind Jews that she once did a show that so unfairly harmed them.

Having won over Time magazine by badgering Stephen Spielberg, Oprah brilliantly sensed an opportunity to win over the Jewish community since by now they were more powerful than even WASPS.

A black lady on her show said The Piano should win the Oscar for best picture. Sensing her opportunity, Oprah moved in for the kill.

“The Piano over Schinlder’s List? THE PIANO OVER CHANGING LIVES!!!” Oprah yelled indignantly.

A Jewish old lady in the studio audience punched the air in solidarity with Oprah’s anger and God only knows how many more did the same from home.

Such cunning genius paid off. In 2006 Oprah was crowned the ONLY person worthy of visiting Auschwitz with Elie Wiesel. Not even U.S. presidents, royalty, Nobel Prize winners or the Holiest Jews were considered worthy of visiting those sacred grounds with Wiesel herself, and even though she knew little about the Holocaust, she adapted by repeating everything Wiesel said back to him in sacred whisper.

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Arguably the greatest horror movie of all time. Certainly in the top five. One reason is the heroine (Alice) just looks like the girl next door. I could really relate to the film for that reason; she reminded me of the young adults on my street that I was always tagging along with. I saw the film in the 4th grade. It was on TV at around 1 am and I waited for my parents to go to sleep and snuck downstairs to watch.

Sadly, one of the fans of the film became obsessed with the actress who played Alice and started stalking her just as Jason stalked her at the start of the sequel. She was so wierded out by the experience that she didn’t act in another movie for 29 years by which point I doubt anyone would have wanted her because she was no longer young and relevant. Can you imagine, being the heroine of the most influential horror film of the last half-century and then throwing your whole career away and all because some demented fan?

Imagine the career she might have had if that stalker hadn’t ruined it. And it probably wasn’t just her career that it ruined but her relationship with men. Hopefully he went to jail for a long time.

But at least her youth and beauty will forever be preserved in perhaps the greatest horror movie of all time.

And yet she always thanks us fans for getting her through the trauma by showering her with love and support.