Bernie Sanders, elevator shoes, ELizabeth Warren, height, Michael Bloomberg, The incredible Hulk
When I was four-years old I was obsessed with the Incredible Hulk. He was my hero and when older kids would become physically abusive, I would make the dinging noise that occurred whenever David Banner’s eyes changed colours as he transformed into the big green monster.
Even though I was still a four-year-old child, the psychological confidence that came with imagining myself transform into the Hulk allowed me to escape from much older bullies.
But then one day a six-year-old girl who lived across the street told me she was watching TV that night and saw Wonder woman beat up the Incredible Hulk. The idea that my hero, and someone who was as big and strong as the incredible Hulk could be beat up by a woman was so profoundly disturbing I was never the same after that. Even though the girl quickly admitted she had lied, the psychological damage was done.
I would never again have another alpha-male hero, and even today my heroes tend to be women like Oprah or nerdy men like Bill Gates. People whose power came not from muscle and physical strength, but from socio-economic power. Because socio-economic power lacks the concrete bravado of muscle mass, self-made billionaires could never be humiliated the was the Incredible Hulk was (in my neighbor’s lie).
But then Michael Bloomberg decided to run for president. At first he was like the incredible Hulk, simply buying hundreds of millions of dollars worth of add-time and jumping to second place in the polls.
Then came last week’s debate where one of the 10 richest men in America was eviscerated on live TV by a woman. And not just any woman, but a 70-year-old woman. And not just any 70-year-old woman, but a bookish wonky nerd with glasses. And not only did she dominate him verbally, but she smart enough to wear boots so she could tower over him physically. Adding insult to injury, she would mock his height in the days after the debate.
Watching this humiliating skeptical, I was reduced from successful professional man to that four-year-old boy who was just told the incredible hulk got beat up by wonder woman.
Warren hates billionaires and she wanted to expose one as nothing but an emperor who has no clothes, and boy did she. Did she ever.
I don’t even know how Bloomberg even shows his face after this. How does he look other billionaires in the eye. Maybe he can blame his lack of practice.
The best way for Bloomberg to recover is to buy a pair of six inch elevator shoes, and come out swinging in the next debate. Walk up to Elizabeth warren and say “no I wont let those women out of those nondisclosure agreements because I honor contracts unlike you, you wealth confiscating fake Indian witch!” and then walk up to Bernie Sanders and say “you might be able to fool these kids with your anti-war shtick, but you voted for the Iraq liberation action act which paved the way for the Iraq war you so hypocritically condemn others for voting for.”
And when Sanders tries to defend himself, Bloomberg could yell “YOU VOTED FOR THE WAR!!!!! YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOREVER MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”